NeuroMagic: Meditation for People Who Totally Hate Meditating

Aka how I tried to “find my center” and accidentally opened the dumpster fire of existence!

Let’s start with a confession: I hate meditating. Like, deeply, with every neuron in my overstimulated brain. The moment someone says “clear your mind,” mine throws a rave and invites all my childhood trauma.

But guess what? That doesn’t mean I don’t get to have a spiritual practice. It just means mine looks like chaos, noise, and maybe mild possession — and that’s fine.

So here it is: Meditation for the neurodivergent, overstimulated gremlins of the modern world. Let’s go.

⚡ Rule #1: You Don’t Have to Sit Still

Sitting cross-legged and pretending you're an IKEA Buddha? Cute. But if stillness feels like a trap, don’t do it.

Walk meditation, treadmill pacing, or just storm your apartment like a mission from the universe. Dance in your kitchen. Rock on a squeaky chair like the cosmos is sending cryptic instructions.

💨 Rule #2: You Don’t Have to Breathe “Right”

Deep breathing works… until it doesn’t. If breathwork sends you into a spiral of “am I doing this right,” congrats, you’re one of us.

Try this instead:

Count dumb things. Like, “3 panic thoughts, 2 regrets, and 1 intrusive craving for cheese.”

Say something real, like: “I’m not dying, I’m just overwhelmed.” Repeat 17 times, maybe add a drumbeat.

🌀 Rule #3: Getting a Blank Brain is Hard—Deal With It

You need a moment of calm—a black brain—but let’s be real, you’re not a monk. Your brain isn’t going to shut the hell up on command.

Watch your thoughts like a hawk:

• “What if I burn my whole life down?”

• “Should I text them?”

• “Do I need to clean the ceiling?”

Notice one thought leading to the next, then the third. Just being aware, feeling a tiny bit of control and presence in the moment—that alone is already huge.

Next level: try following the chain in reverse. Eventually, the screen goes black. No thoughts. Just calm. Not because your memory sucks—it’s a blank page of peace in your mind. That’s precious.

🔮 Rule #4: Ritual = Meditation in Disguise

Witch tip: rituals count. Always. Even the weird little ones.

Here are some “non-meditation” meditations that absolutely still work:

> Staring into a candle like it owes you money

> Pouring tea like it's a potion

> Doodling spirals or random symbols

> Whispering “I’m fine” while organizing or shuffling tarot cards

Anything that calms you or focuses your chaos counts. No need to line up crystals or follow someone else’s “rules.”

☠️ Rule #5: If It Feels Stupid, It’s Probably Working

Meditation isn’t about becoming a peaceful guru. It’s about surviving your own mind without lighting everything on fire.

So if your “meditation” looks like:

• Zoning out while brushing your hair

• Talking to your houseplants, your cat, or George (the house spirit, whatever his name is).

• Naming your anxiety after old sitcom characters

Good. You’re doing it right.

🖤 Final Spell

You don’t need incense, apps, or enlightenment. You need tools that don’t make you feel broken for having a human brain that’s a little glitchy and loud.

You’re allowed to meditate while pissed off. You’re allowed to meditate with noise in your chest and sarcasm in your mouth. You're allowed to make peace look like rebellion.

So light the candle, or don’t.

Close your eyes, or keep them wide open.

This is NeuroMagic — the ritual of being messy and mindful at the same damn time.